10 Week Update

How Far Along: 10 weeks 2 days
Symptoms: Still tired with some morning nausea
Total Weight Gain:  Lost about 2 pounds since I was weighed at the doctor's office.  Could be that I'm eating healthier and exercising more
Stretchmarks:  None yet
Sleep:  All the time.  That's all I want to do.
Best Moment of the Week:  When I'm not sick during the day anymore
Movement:  nothing yet.
Gender:  To early to find out.
Labor Signs:  to early
Belly Button:  still in
What I Miss:  coffee!!
What I Am Looking Forward To:  Getting over this fatigue, getting the bump, feeling the baby move, etc

Family Reveal

Yesterday, J and I decided we would finally tell our families that we are expecting out first child.  Needless to say, everyone is extremely excited.  My mother in law and my father both have been waiting for this for a long time.  My dad could not wait to share the news with the rest of the family.  My sister in law couldn't wait to share the news with our friends.  My sister is thrilled for a lot of reasons.  She knows what we have been going through, she would like me to experience pregnancy and giving birth, and my niece is going to be a cousin and they will be close in age.

We told my mother in law and sister in law right away because of questions they were asking us.  I was getting a lot of drinking and gym questions.  The way we told my parents was a bit creative.  I bought a picture frame and put some pictures of my niece in there and in the empty spots I put "Reserve for Baby R 7/26/2012".  My parents had to look at it a few times to see if they were seeing things.

The family cannot wait until July!

8 Week Update

How Far Along: 8 weeks 4 days
Symptoms: Super tired with some spouts of nausea (morning, afternoon, night)
Total Weight Gain:  I have not weighed myself since I became pregnant
Stretchmarks:  None yet
Sleep:  All the time.  That's all I want to do.
Best Moment of the Week:  When I'm not sick and I can eat something
Movement:  nothing yet.
Gender:  To early to find out.  I really want to find out, but at this time J doesn't.  I'll get him to change his mind
Labor Signs:  to early
Belly Button:  still in
What I Miss:  coffee!!
What I Am Looking Forward To:  Getting over this fatigue, getting the bump, feeling the baby move, etc

The Big Reveal

So for those who do not know me from the bump, I am 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  It came as a complete shock to both myself and J.  At this point in the journey, neither of us thought I would achieve a pregnancy without my upcoming IVF.  I'm thrilled that we were proved wrong and I was able to do this on my own.  Not only did I shock my husband, but I shocked my RE and my nurses!  Everyone is completely thrilled.  As of yesterday, I was released from my RE and graduated to the OB.  My appointment was very bittersweet with the staff.  I have been with them for just over 2 years and have gotten to know them all very well.  Baby has been measuring right on track with the heartbeat at 126 bpm as well as the length, I got to hear the heartbeat as well yesterday as well.  My EDD is 7/26/12.

At this timeframe, I feel I have been lucky.  Only getting some slight nausea during the day and at night.  I do have some smell aversions, but I expected that.  I have been extremely exhausted and falling asleep at 7 pm.

I will keep you all updated in the week to come.  Have a great day everyone

MIA

I have been MIA for quite some time now.  My last "real" post was about a month ago.

A lot has been going on here and have been quite busy.  Holidays ending and beginning again, crazy busy at work, etc.  Things have changed and definitely for the better.  I will keep you all updated in due time.  Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

Song of the Week

This week is LMFAO- Sexy and I Know It.  This song and video is just hilarious.  I love it.

It's Been Awhile...

Since I did a IF post.  Every 3 months I do a Prolactin level follow up.  About 1 and a half weeks ago, I went and got my levels drawn.  My level was slightly low at 3.3.  So that means I'm getting too much medication again.  So my RE has me taking me Parlodel Monday through Friday.  No more Sunday dose.  I do a repeat Prolactin  next week before the holidays.  Hopefully it's back to where it needs to be.  I don't like playing the Prolactin level game.

FIRED!!!

I can't believe they fired Joe Pa!  The guy said he was retiring at the end of the season, why not let him finish it out.  So after much discussion at work, he did all he was suppose to do but he should have followed up with it.  I spoke with one of my patients who is a PA State Trooper, and he said what he did was right.  AND the eye witness should have gone to the police and report it.  Paterno didn't cover up anything.  Not too many coaches would turn in their friends like that.  Now they're talking about removing his statue from Happy Valley?!?  This is too much.  Sorry for the ramblings.  Now instead of leaving as the winningest coaches in history, he's forced out and known for this.

Way to End Your Career!

So Penn State University is in some deep stuff here.  One of the football program's former coaches, Jerry Sandusky, has been arrested for over 40 counts of sexual abuse of young boys over a 15 year period.  Four of those years were during his PSU coaching career.  So it seems that Joe Pa will be forced out of his job by the end of this week!  So we'll see if he'll be at the last home game on Saturday.  Now to me, the way to end a 40+ year coaching career at PSU would to obviously leave with a winning season and go to a bowl game.  Not be forced out from a scandal.  Now who knows how much Paterno really knew and what actions he really took.  It is said that he reported it to university officials so proper actions could take place.  Why didn't Joe Pa just call the police himself?  Were the sexual abuse allegations ignored on all ends (Paterno, Univ. President, Athletic Director)?  No one really knows, but a lot of lives are ruined because of this sick man.  Children were unfairly being taken advantage of, their innocence was taken, and are suffering from psychological damage.  People being forced out of jobs...The university president may also be forced out of his position as well.  The athletic director and a vice president were forced out and have perjury charges against them.  However, if these allegations were ignored then they all need to lose their positions and re-evaluate all of their actions.  This guy has been reports quite a bit and nothing happened.  Even with eye witnesses, nothing happened.  Why?!

I can't even begin to imagine what parents are feeling right now and questions that may be crossing their minds...is my child safe; is my child being protected; has my child been unfairly taken advantage of?  Parents need to believe and have a sense of comfort that when their child goes away to school that they are being watched upon and kept safe.  Because of this whole PSU ordeal, I'm sure there are many parents wondering and worrying about their child in ways they thought they'd never have to.

Hiking

Yesterday was a gorgeous day so I skipped my kickboxing class and went for a hike with J.  Our hike was approximately 5.5-6 miles on a small portion of the Appalachian trail near our home.  The hike was a bit treacherous with the rocky terrain, but it was nice.  Here are a couple pics from yesterday.

Me and J at one of our stops

Me starting my trek across "Knife Edge"

Overlook at our final destination

White Halloween??

Hmmm...doesn't sound right, does it?!  Last week our weather forecast was predicting a winter storm warning.  Friday at work, my patients said we're expected to get about 8 inches to a foot.  Yeah right, not in October.  Well, at my house I got at least 6 inches.  This is suppose to happen in the Winter months.  At least we had power, but no cable.  So I got to catch up on some cleaning, laundry, and some movies.  Here are a couple photos I took this morning.  

Blissful Day

Yesterday I got to spend the day with my sister and my niece.  It was a really nice day.  We talked and hung out, something that we haven't done in a long time.  I got to hold Grace almost all day, minus the feedings of course.  I even got to rock her to sleep.  I was amazed just watching her for hours and how she slept.  She would just have these random moments of smiling and "talking" in her sleep.  I loved every moment of it and can't wait until it's my turn.

Although yesterday was mostly wonderful and peaceful, I did have small moments of sadness.  That was only after my sister asked me about having children.  The thoughts of what if this is never me, why can't we conceive like a normal couple, why do I have to spend over $10,000 to have a child.  I have arrived in that part of my journey where I am comfortable talking about IF, but I still have these little bouts of sadness come over me.  However it didn't last long.  My sister was great about it.  She wanted to know what was going on and everything.

I just can't wait to have another day like yesterday....minus the sadness.

Song of the Week

I have been horrible at this post, but in my defense I have been quite busy the past couple of Saturdays and I haven't really had much time sit and do this.  So I have 2 songs picked:  Maroon 5: Moves Like Jagger and Kopek: Bring it on Home.  No real reason for either one of them.  The new Maroon 5 song is very catchy I must say.

Another Milestone Reached..

Today I turn 30.  I don't know why, but it just depresses me.  Well one reason is that I'm not a mother yet...at least not to a human child.  Another reason may be because I do not feel accomplished.  Yeah I have a degree and a full time job; however, it is not in my field.  Looking back on my life, I feel I could have accomplished more and been more.  I'm not sure what it is about 30, but it is making me reflect and it sucks.  I usually don't do anything special for my birthday anymore, not since 21.  Today J and I are going to my co-workers wedding and that should be about it.  Last night I got a dinner at the Olive Garden, I haven't been there literally in years.  That has been the extent of my birthdays the last 5 years with some shopping.  Hopefully I'll snap out of this funk and enjoy the day. 

Song of the Week

I completely forgot about this post last week.  This week is Brick by Boring Brick by Paramore.  This song was picked because I feel like I live in my own fairy tale.  I daydream about certain things and I have to keep myself grounded or I'll get lost.

  

I'm An Aunt!

My sister went into labor yesterday and  my niece, Grace Marie, has made her entrance into the world this morning.  My sister sent me a picture text of her and she is gorgeous.  I called her this morning when I got the text and mommy/baby are doing well.  I was a bit emotional this morning, but I know my time will come.  I'm so excited to meet my niece and spoil the crap out of her.  I did take a full day off of work in 2 weeks to spend the day with them.

Piloxing Week #4

So last night was my last Piloxing class.  My friends may or may not continue doing the class until January, they need to find space first if they decide to.  So I have decided to buy the Piloxing workout DVD.  Personally, for me it is better for me to work out with other people but I think I will be able to keep this one up on my own.  It's alot of fun, but I have said this about other workout DVDs that I have and they are collecting dust.  Plus my sister-in-law may work out with me once I get it so that may help with with motivation.  This morning I'm not as sore as in my previous weeks, but I do feel it in my arms, legs and abs.  That may change this afternoon or tomorrow.  I normally really feel sore a couple days after, especially doing kickboxing on Thursdays.    

Piloxing Week #3

Last night was my third piloxing class.  It got moved to Friday this week since the majority of the class, including the instructor, had parent teacher night at school.  Last night the instructors introduced new segments during the class:  new ab, leg, and butt moves.  Let me tell you readers this, I even felt sore last night a few hours after class especially in my abs and arms.  Today, I'm all over sore especially my butt.  I also went to my kickboxing class this morning and had a difficult time with the lower body, I was that sore.  I'll say it again though, I love piloxing.  The instructors, who are good friends of mine, will be continuing this class in January when they open up their own fitness studio.  I'm hoping that they will find some way to continue this class in between that time frame.  I honestly see a slight difference in my body after only 3 weeks (especially my trouble spots belly, butt, and thighs).  Even if they don't continue it until January, I think I may buy the video.  My sister-in-law does the class with me and I'm sure she'll come over to exercise with me.

AF is here

AF appeared itself yesterday and I must say that I took it better than previous months.  I guess it's because now I know to possibly not to expect anything.  This month, I must say, has been nothing but good.  I have been in good spirits, eating better, and exercising more.  I just feel good all around and I haven't felt like this in a long time.  J and I will still be hoping for a miracle to happen, but we are fully prepared to not expect anything (although it would be nice because then I would have at least half saved for a new car).

I have done some brainstorming, and calculating, I figured if I put aside more than I originally was going to do for the IVF then I can reach my goal sooner.  I was originally going to do $500-$600 per month.  I have now decided to do $600-$700 per month.  I still have some figuring out to do.  I'm going to play around with my calendar and configure when bills are due so I can have the money ready for my bills AND allow me to put aside the maximum amount.  It also helps that my dad pays me to help him clean on Saturdays.  So that money gets put aside as well.  I only keep a small portion of that in my wallet to pay for my kickboxing classes.  We'll see how this all pans out.  Hopefully, I can reach my goal so J and I can start our pre-IVF testing early next year.

Song of the Week

Music has become a big part of my life again.  When I was growing up I played the piano and flute until I graduated high school.  The music soothed me when I played.  Although I haven't begun playing again, I have been relying on my ipod to comfort me....especially at work.  I'll listen to my ipod during lunch and I'm good as new.

At the end of each week, I'm going to pick my song of the week.  It may or may not have something to do with how I'm feeling.  It may just have something to do with the frequency I'm listening to that particular song or even group.  To start of my song of the week posts, I'm picking a band that I absolutely love and is usually on my daily listening rotation.  I posted about them in March when I saw them in concert with J and some friends.  The band that will be featured today is Kopek and the song is Floridian.  I picked this song because I feel that it relates to my relationship AND it's a very nice love song.  I hope you all enjoy!

Piloxing Week #2

Last night I had my second Piloxing class.  I seriously love this class and really hope the instructors continue it after the month session ends.  I'm not as sore as last week, but I am still feeling it.  I really wasn't in the mood to go last night, work was extremely crazy.  It seemed like every patient was a surgery, can't complain though that is was helps our practice.  I got home from work and just wanted to crash, however; I forced myself only because I didn't want to waste $45.  I don't know what it was, but I felt soo much better after the workout.  I was still exhausted, but I just felt better in spirit.

Now to finish my coffee and get ready for another crazy work day.

Piloxing

Last night I started a new exercise class with a majority of the girls that do kickboxing with me.  It is a mix of pilates, boxing, and dancing.  Am I glad I went!!  It was fun and you definitely sweat your butt off.  The instructors weren't kidding when they said you'll feel it the next day.  My body is definitely feeling it, but it's a great feeling.  I haven't felt some of these sore muscules in years.  Here is an overview of the class I found on you tube from the founders of this program.

All I can say I didn't realize how horrible my balance is right now with the pilates part.  I'm hoping it will improve.  Now it's time to get ready for work....

On This Day...

ten years ago, is seared into my memory.  I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing.  Ten years ago I was away at college and was 19 years old on 9/11/01.  I remember leaving one of my morning classes and parked myself in a study lounge down the hall from where I needed to go next in Anderson Hall.  This lounge had a TV, couches, snack and soda machine.  I sat down at a table with some classmates, opened a book, and took a look at the TV.  I remember the image of planes going into Towers 1 and 2 of the World Trade Center and seeing a ball of fire appear.  I asked a friend who had been there for awhile, and appeared to be glued to the TV, what movie this was because it seemed so real.  Not a movie.....it was actually happening.  Two planes into both Towers, the Pentagon, and rural Pennsylvania.  Then I remember the images of the Towers come crumbling down to the ground.

Since Friday night, there have been shows dedicated to 9/11.  I caught one on Friday night and relived those memories and imagined the memories of those who were there.  My memories are not as tragic as those who were actually there.  My memories do not include a lost loved one.  My heart goes out to those who relive this date year after year and have been there or lost a loved one.  I can not even begin to understand what those people are feeling right now or going through.

I Know You Are Out There

So I got this idea from a fellow blogger Scuba and I think it's a really good idea.

I was initially diagnosed with hyperprolactinemia which had been causing an ovulation dysfunction.  Once that was resolved, I was unexplained for a short time.  Then I developed a luteal phase defect.  So my RE wants me in the unexplained category.        

I started blogging to release my thoughts and emotions.  Never did I think anyone would read this.  It's nice to know that people take the time to read my ramblings (since that what my some of my blogs are).  Even though some family and friends know about my infertility, none of them know about my blog.  I really don't tell my family much about my infertility journey because I fear of the response that I may get (due to past experiences of course).  Some friends, who happen to be my closest co-workers, know every detail that I am going through (some have gone through some of what I am going through or are 100% empathetic).

I you read my blog, tell me about yourself.  How did you find me?  Anything you want to know about me?

As always, thanks for reading!!

Processing

Processing can be an emotional thing as well as exhausting.  Since last Friday, I have been processing the information my RE and coordinator gave me regarding IVF.  I have also been processing thoughts about myself. I'm now beginning to have a difficult time accepting what is going on.  Although I am open to going through IVF, I just still can't accept the fact that I can't do this on my own.  I'm still going to be saving up for the procedure, but in the meantime I have decided on taking a more natural approach.  It couldn't hurt right?!  I had posted awhile ago that my cousin is beginning or adding a new career in health.  At some point, I will be consulting her to discuss my diet and to possibly revamp what I eat.  I'm already a healthy eater, but I feel that I could be a bit healthier.  Not only am I going to be changing up my diet, I will be taking herbs and supplements related to fertility.  I know that I may have some other underlying problems other than my hormones, but I won't know that until IVF.  At this time frame, I only have hormone problems.  It couldn't hurt trying this....If it doesn't help me get pregnant naturally, at least it will help with the IVF.  I have done a little bit of research and found some positive reviews with this one holistic company.  I've read that some have gotten pregnant naturally and it helped some with their IVF.  So I'm going to give it a whirl and see what happens.

Other thoughts I have been processing.  What if none of this works?  What if I am never a mother?  What if my marriage fails because of my IF?  I'm sure the last one will not happen, J has stuck by my side through this whole thing already.  But I can't help but have that thought in the back of my head.  My marriage has been, I shouldn't say rocky, but maybe more bumpy than usual because of this whole IF thing.  I'm hoping that this time off from treatments and seeing the doctor will allow us to get on a "normal" path, concentrate on us, allow me to get back on track financially, and possibly purchase big things for the house.  We desperately need new furniture.

Well thanks for hanging in there and reading.  Now time to get ready for work.  Have a good day

Appt Update

Needless to say, my IVF consult was some positive and some negative.  Was it informative...yes.  Was it overwhelming....yes.  My RE feels that this would be my best option to conceive now.  He feels that there is something going on with my eggs that is not allowing the sperm to connect with it.  So, with all that in mind, I was set to start preliminary testing in February....until I met with my coordinator.  She was the one who hit me with the bomb.  I was quoted a little over $10,400.  I almost have half of that, but not quite.  My RE assumed since my insurance covered IF testing and medications, then I didn't have to worry about mid cycle payments.  Well, he was wrong.  It is my preliminary testing and medications that will be covered...that is it.  I was actually excited to begin this process, but now I'm more stressed.  I need to come up with a better savings game plan.  I'm trying to come up with this as quickly as possible so I can get this over with.

Here is my preliminary testing list (from what I can remember): repeat CD 3hormone testing, blood type screening, HIV/hepititis screening, uterine cavity check, saline sonogram with mock transfer.  J has to do repeat SA and HIV/hepititis screening.  Now here is my tenative protocol for IVF:  BCP cycle prior, start Lupron injections starting on CD 21, Follistim injections, Repronex injections, and PIO injections after ER.  Fun right?!

Until then I'm going to concentrate on me.  I haven't done that in awhile.  I'm going to be healthier all around: mentally, emotionally, and physically.  I'm going to do more exercising to get my weight down for when I do happen to do IVF.  I would like to fix up my house a little bit.  Maybe find some cheap artwork to hang up.  I'm hoping that I can do this early next year, but am fully aware/prepared if I do not arrive there until next year.  Until then, all I can do is pray for a miracle and also fill out applications for some IVF grants/scholarships.  Somethings gotta give for me soon and work in my favor.

Post Ovulation Update

Today I got my phone call regarding my post ovulation labs from my coordinator.  My RE is very pleased as to how the booster helped my body this time around.  My e2 level is 147 and p4 level is 23.3.  Let's see if changes my final outcome at all.  I still have my IVF consult this Friday afternoon and I'm trying to prepare as best as I can for this appointment.  I'm not sure what to expect at this appointment and what type of questions I should ask.  My RE did warn me that this appointment may leave me emotionally/mentally exhausted.  Now that I think back at him saying that, I should have picked a day where I can take a whole day off from work.  But maybe it's a good thing that I didn't, keep my mind occupied and not thinking about it too much.

Better Than Expected

My sisters baby shower was yesterday and I must say it went better than expected.  Although I did completely lose  it when I got there.  Just seeing all the gifts and how it was decorated just really hit me, but I collected myself and got over it.  Someday......I did cry again when I spoke with my sister.  My sister and I have not spoken in quite sometime, so it was a bit emotional for the both of us.  All in all, good day.  At the end I did get "now when you go home you and J have to start getting at it" from an aunt.  In her defense, she has no idea what I'm going through so I just pushed it aside.

Now I just have to wait for my niece's birth and enjoy her.

A New Low...

well to me at least.  Today at work, I decided to stop in at Hallmark for the finishing touches on my sister's baby gift.  I bought the wrapping paper, gift bag with tissue paper, card, and the cutest stuffed animal.  Well, I had a breakdown in the store.  I was fine when I picked out the wrapping paper, felt the eyes starting to welt at the gift bags, and lost it at the cards.  Luckily the store was not crowded.  I picked out the cutest stuffed lamb for her with tears in my eyes then headed over to a section where the had sports stuff so I had time to calm down.  I'm sure the ladies in the store new I was crying, it was completely obvious, and must think I'm nuts.

That wasn't the first time I cried today.  I definitely lost it when I first got into work for no apparent reason.  Perhaps it was my sudden headache, hormones, my body's sudden urge to thin my blood (had another difficult time at a lab draw this morning), or maybe tomorrow.  I'm hoping tomorrow will not be as bad as I'm portraying it to be and the weekend gets better.

Emotional Couple of Days

These past couple of days have been a bit emotional.  I thought I had some time to get my sister's baby shower gift, but I had to rush to get that.  Apparently I mistaken it for next week instead of this Saturday.  Who knew that looking at a baby gift registry would get me so emotional.  I couldn't help but go through it and think of how cool that would be or I would get this instead of that.  I got her a few things for the car, safety around the house, and hangers for the closet.  I have also decided to open a savings account for my new niece once she is born (my bank will need at least her name and date of birth).  I'm hesitant in going to this because 1) my sister and I are not close and have not spoken in quite some time; 2) I feel I will not be able to handle being there because of this whole IF thing; 3) I really do not want to be confronted.  It would not be the time nor place to ask me questions about my baby making status and I already feel that I may be snarky that day.  So I'm hoping that this day will go on without any problems or issues.

On Tuesday, I got to do my first HCG booster injection.  Boy was that a mess.  I completely forgot that I had taken an anti-inflammatory about 3 hours prior to that injection while I was at work.  *WARNING FOR THE WEAK STOMACHED*  Once I took the needle out, I was really bleeding.  It of course stopped after 30 seconds of pressure, but I learned my lesson...no anti-inflammatory medications when a large needle is involved.

Well now it's time to get ready for work and then off to kickboxing at 6

Have a good day everyone.

Cycle Update

So here is a cycle update for Follistim #5.  Today, 8/10/11, is CD8.  I had gone in this morning to my RE for my monitoring appt and had a follie size of 20.  I just received a call from one of my coordinators and my e2 is 229. As usual, my RE reviewed everything and is still perplexed with what is going on.  He still wants me to progress with my HCG tonight and do the HCG booster on 8/16 as well as 8/19, even though I am hesitant in doing so.  I had asked if I can scrap the remaining cycle, but they stated it can still happen and want to see what happens.  What is my body doing to me?!  Why is it playing all these games?!  Needless to say, I don't need to do the PK test now.  I will definitely keep my 8/26 appt with Dr. M for my next step.  I don't know how much more I can take...

Here We Go Again

Friday morning I went to Dr. M's office for my baseline u/s.  Everything looks good again and all clear: no cysts, lining looks good, and I have a small unmeasurable follie growing on my left side.  Cycle #5 plan:  begin Follistim injections today 8/7 at 50 i.u., go back Wednesday morning for a monitoring appt,  then go back in Friday for my final monitoring appt as well as my PK test, and then I will finally trigger with Novarel on Friday (hopefully) and then I will follow the trigger with a Novarel booster.  My RE wanted to decrease my Follistim to hopefully calm my body down.  He thinks that maybe my body was allowing my follies to progress to fast during some cycles but not let my hormones stay on the same course as the follies.  So he is hoping that this helps.  So I will remain on 50 i.u. until my first monitoring appt and will most likely be increasing to 75 i.u. to finish out for the last 2 days.  I have been trying to plan the PK test for awhile now and both my coordinator and myself have been stressing this would never get done.  J normally leaves for work at 4 or 5 in the morning and it is usually difficult to "prepare" for the test at 4 am.  Anyways, when I told her we would actually be able to do this test on this cycle it was a relief.  I was hoping my Dr. M would be available to do it, but  he is unfortunately out of the office and his colleague can't do it.  So my coordinator was free to do so.  As long as it gets done right?!  And to explain the Novarel booster...I must have had a weak ovulation last cycle.  My p4 and e2 were way off and were not in the ranges they were suppose to be.  So Dr. M wants to add another Novarel injection to the protocol.

So that is what cycle #5 looks like for me on FSH medication.  I'm kind of fearful that this will not work yet again but also hopeful.  Dr. M said he sees most patients get pregnant on cycle 4 or 5 on these medications.  So in a way that is still giving me a little bit of hope let (not much though).  I'm still booked for my IVF consult on 8/26 with Dr. M.  Whether I'm pregnant this time or not, I feel the consultation will be very informative.  I think if IVF is my reality, it will be welcoming to say the least to know that there is an end in sight.  I know IVF is never a guarantee and it may take one or several cycles to achieve pregnancy, but I feel that I'm finally at that point where I know this will need to be done.

The only difficult task I have this month is surviving my little sisters baby shower at the end of the month that is the day after my IVF consult....

An All To Familiar Sight

This morning I took my HPT and of course I saw my friend "not pregnant".  So now I get to play the waiting game of AF's arrival.  In the meantime, I need to get myself ready for my final cycle of Follistim and TI.  I'm kind of hesitant in doing one more cycle.  I just feel like I already know what the outcome is.  At this point in the game, I'm just ready to move on.  But my RE has yet another protocol he wants to try.  This next cycle, I will have the pleasure of doing a booster HCG injection proceeding the initial trigger.  Fun, right?!  At the end of the month, I have my IVF consult which I will be keeping now.  At the time I scheduled it, I was back and forth as to whether or not I was going to keep it.  Well, even if this next cycle is a success, it will be good to hear protocols, procedures, and what else comes with IVF.  Maybe I can even get a start date....I'm just ready to move on.  I'm very exhausted and just want to see an end to all of this.

My Body is Failing Me

Yesterday I had my post ovulation lab draw and today I got my results call.  My e2 level is 87 and my p4 is 12.4, what the heck is going on?!  I'm not sure what it means.  Was it a weak ovulation, did I not ovulate?  Ugh, I've had it.  So it looks like my RE is planning on another cycle of Follistim if this is a BFN.  He thinks that even if I do get a BFP, I may not be able to sustain a pregnancy.  So what he is planning for next cycle is to do a HCG booster.  So on August 1 I get to do a HPT although I don't know why...I already predict it being a negative reading like always.  More to come....

Today Sucked!

My day started out pretty good.  I arrived at work 5 minutes earlier than I normally do, had all of my surgical orders ready to go for the hospitals, filed documents, and it seemed like it was going to be a decent day...especially since I was able to leave early for a vet appointment.  Everything went well until about 9:30/10:00.  One of my long time patients came up to me, in a busy hallway mind you in front of my co-workers and other patients, had the nerve to tell me that I'm getting fat.  According to her, my face was looking chubby and thought that I'm putting on weight.  She then continued to say, don't take offense I was just curious.  I was just dumbfounded.  I didn't know what to say.  I just sat there with my mouth completely open in shock trying not to say anything.  Because I really want to say some really nasty things and I really can't afford to lose my job at the moment.  As this patient proceeded to leave, she asked me if I was offended by her comment.  I couldn't even respond to her.  I just wanted to say ummm yeah, tell her f you, and flip her off.  Right after she left, I just completely lost it and cried my eyes out.

I'm not gaining any weight, maybe I look like it because I'm bloated from pumping my body with all of this fertility medication.  Maybe it's not the medication and possible the heat in NEPA.  Or maybe I'm retaining water.  No matter what the case may be, that was completely uncalled for.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better.

Cycle Update

After 2 days of running back and forth to the RE for monitoring, I can finally trigger tonight.  Yesterday my e2 was 130.  I didn't ask what it was today, didn't even think to ask but it was obviously higher.  I only have 1 follie on my right side.  Yesterday it was 16 and today it was 19.  Yesterday my RE gave instructions to boost my follistim to 100 iu.  So hopefully all will work out.  Definately losing hope here....

RE Update

Today was a very long day.  Since my RE's office is quite a distance from my home, I spent the day around my docs office.  This morning I had my lab draws: e2 level, FSH, and AMH.  Then I had my appointment with Dr. M scheduled for 2:30 with my baseline u/s.  Well, he was held up in surgery so my appointment was pushed an hour later.  Find with me, I always come prepared with a book and my iPod.  Anyways, my levels were good.  My FSH was 7.74 and my AMH I will get next week since that takes longer.  Dr. M feels that level should be normal based by my FSH level.  He looked at my u/s and said I have 10 follies starting and will begin my 4th cycle of Follistim on Sunday.  I did discusss at lengths at what could be the issue.  He feels that all of my hormones look good and my egg quality is good.  IF there is anymore problems it is with the outside of my egg and not allowing the sperm to penetrate.  So I've decided to do 2 more rounds of Follistim and then go to the next step.

I already have my IVF consult scheduled for end of August with my RE.  He did give me a printed sheet of the cost, which is pretty overwhelming since I will be almost 100% oop.  My ins will pick up my prescription coverage which will save me at least $3400 and it may cover the diagnostics as well.  So all in all, I may only need to pay for the actual procedure itself.  I'm not 100% with this, but feel that it will be 50/50 coverage now that I think of it.  My coordinator will have more answers at my IVF consult.

I do think my appointment was productive and my questions were answered.  My RE even said he hopes to never have the IVF conversation with me again.  Which I feel is positive thinking on his end the injections will eventually work.....we'll see.  But until then, I will try to be positive and start with a clean slate this cycle.  I feel that this post was a little rambly, so for that I apologize and thanks for sticking through!

BFFN

Today I took a HPT and of course it came up negative.  I'm tired mentally and emotionally from all of this.  I can't stand this anymore.  Why are these treatments not working?  What else could be wrong with me?  Do I need to loose more weight?  Am I exercising too much or not enough?  I was good this cycle too.  My stress wasn't too bad, I kept myself occupied, I took my medications the same time every day, and even lowered my impact level at exercise class.  I think I may need a break.  I'm going to do one more cycle and most likely take a much needed break.  I need to emotionally and mentally re-charge.

The good news is that I have an appointment with my RE this Friday.  I took a vacation day to relax and as a just in case.  Well it looks like it may work out for the just in case.  My RE wants to do more labs on me if I got a BFN.  Since I did, I go in for CD3 FSH, e2, and AMH levels.  I'm probably going to throw in my baseline u/s as well.  So I'm hoping my body cooperates with my thinking and AF will arrive on Wednesday, not a day sooner or later.  So my thinking is to arrive at the RE's office mid morning for all of these tests, drive over to the hospital for the AMH level, grab some lunch, maybe do some shopping, and then back to the RE for my 2:00 appointment.  I feel like I'm going back to my first initial appt with him.  I'm going armed with questions.  Hopefully all of my results will be rec'd and I will have some answers.

Cycle Update

Tuesday I had my bloodwork done for my p4 and e2 levels.  My levels looked good according to my coordinator.  My p4 was 16.5 and my e2 was 105.  I'm not holding my breath though.  Any cycle where things seem to go right, I have excellent levels, great looking follies....it ends in nothing but a BFN!!!!!  I've been trying to keep my mind clear and to just keep occupied.  Which has been working so to speak.   I've been overloaded this week at work with surgeries and paperwork that I just come home completely exhausted and run down.  So I've just been coming home, cooking dinner, dishes, and just chillin out.  So I guess it is working, because until today when I got my bloodwork results I completely forgot where I was in my cycle.  I'm suppose to take a HPT on 7/6 but I think I may take it sooner.  I have a follow up with my RE on Friday and if this cycle is another fail I need to go for additional labs on CD3.  So I'm trying to plan for AF to start on Wednesday and have this all done on Friday so I don't miss much more work.  I'm sure it won't pan out that way.....it never does in my world.

Update on Me

Today I went in for my monitoring appointment.  Things are moving faster then before and are a bit concerning to my RE.  I had one leading follie measuring at 20 and my e2 was 246.  I'm only on CD 10!  So tonight I trigger and start the progesterone on Thursday night.  My coordinator went on saying if I don't get pregnant this cycle then they're going to do new labs on me.  My RE's office is now starting to do AMH labs.  So if this cycle is another fail, i go in for CD3 FSH, E2, and AMH.

Also....might I add.....I got yet another shock.  So one of my nurses at my monitoring appt was like can you come in tomorrow or Wednesday mid morning for a PK test?  Ummm no I can't.  I would need more advanced notice and I'm working with surgeon's both of those days, and they are both jam packed.  So the PK test is put on hold for now.  However, she was like it's been over a year since DH last SA he should have another one done.  Looks like Dr. M was concerned of gluten in is specimen.  Gluten...in is specimen....I was not told this before.  Why are they telling me this a year and a half later when I was told he was fine.  I bawled my eyes out all the way to work AND in the office.  (btw I've been super emotional the past few days...go figure).  I also googled this and it seems like it could have been cross contamination.  Not sure how he can have gluten in is specimen.  What does that even mean?  It seems like I'm leaving there with more questions than answers anymore.  BUT I maybe making a mountain out of a mole hill.  I was just too shocked that I didn't ask any questions when I was there.  I wish I should have..

Thanks for letting me vent.  I've been doing this all day and appreciate my co-workers as well as my readers for allowing me to vent and cry.  Have a good rest of the day

Blogger Games...

So after a few weeks of posting AND commenting difficulties, I'm now able to successfully post new things with ease and comment on other blogs.  I normally use Internet Explorer for pretty much everything and never had a problem.  About a month ago, I had a weird error coming from blogger making me run in circles to post and unable to comment in other people's blogs.  So, I decided to switch to Google Chrome and am now able to post and comment with ease.  If it's not one problem it's another.......

Baseline

This morning I went in for my baseline u/s.  Good news is that I have no left over follies from last cycle, no cyst, no nothing!!  Just the start of some follies starting.  So I get to begin my 3rd cycle of follistim.  I hope things are better this cycle.  I'm getting very tired of all this fun!  Next monitoring appt is Monday 6/20. 

Wonderful Poem

This poem was on Scuba's blog and written by a fellow bumpie Gregermis.  I hope they don't mind that I placed this in my blog.  It is a very good poem, enjoy

To those on CD1,

and all suffering from AF's malicious fun,

to those on oral and injectable meds,

and IVFers resting in their beds.

To minds stuck in an induced hormonal haze,

who's bank accounts have seen better days,

to those on breaks and natural cycles,

whose DH's miss their bicycles,

to monitoring appointments,

and BFFN disappointments.

When our bodies feel broken,

after doctor's diagnoses are spoken,

for OOP and OPKs,

and those fleeting hopeful days.

When using pre-seed to do the deed,

we remember all those poor sticks on which we have peed.

If you've achieved success only to suffer a loss,

remember that IF is a b*tch not the boss!

To feet in the stirrups with beautiful socks,

we watch our charts and curse our clocks.

When waiting for surgeries to heal,

And when sex starts to lose its appeal,

whether it's clomid + IUI,

or a nasty case of MFI,

our phantom little ones are waiting,

whilst we brave the needles we're hating,

so raise your glass of water or wine,

to that elusive little second line,

Drink your POM and eat your core,

We will beat IF and even the score!

Dear AF...

In the past I was so excited to see you, your arrival couldn't come soon enough.  Not so much anymore.  You give me that constant reminder that I'm failing as a woman.  I'm begging you to stay away for awhile and then return in approximately 10-12 months.  I will be more than happy to see you then.  However, I do appreciate your "hints" in the middle of the night that you are on your way.  It saves me from doing extra work the next day or spending more money.  I do greatly appreciate that part.  But please....DON'T COME BACK FOR AWHILE!

Sincerely,
Amy

So Naive...

I remember the days when I was so naive about fertility treatments.  At the beginning of my trouble trying journey, I always had a feeling that I would need to do treatments.  I just didn't think it would be this much and this long.  I remember when I thought clomid would work.....on the first try.  I'd like to think of my clomid mentality as a mini rollar coaster ride.  So many ups and downs.  The beginning of my cycle was like the beginning of a ride, the chain just slowly pulling the coaster cart up to the crest.  Then comes the monitoring appointment where I would get a good report.  This is the part where the cart is coasting off the chain to a potential drop.  Then there's the end of the cycle where dear AF comes, the emotional drop down to start all over again. 

I figured with Follistim, I'd try to have a different approach.  I think I was getting my hopes to high so I was hoping with a different mind frame that could hopefully change things.  Well, not so much so far.  I'm trying to have a "slow free-fall" mind of state, but I still end up on the rollar coaster.  I think Follistim is the drug for me, but maybe I need a dosage change to increase the stimulation a bit more.  My RE had also just realized that I need my Prolactin level checked (haven't had that done in awhile).  So maybe my Prolactin level is acting up again. 

So as you can guess by this post, I took a HPT and came up negative.....yet again.  Some how, it didn't bother me as much this time.  I guess I knew since my monitoring appt that this wasn't the cycle.  My follie was an ok size (only had one) and my e2 level was lower than desired.  So I think that maybe this follie was left over from last cycle and possibly empty.  I don't know, I'm just trying to justify things without beating myself up.  I do feel like I need to make some lifestyle changes.  I need to get my weight down (yes still....)  I do exercise, but I think I need to pick it up a bit more so I can drop my weight or at least lower my BMI.  Also, I need to cut back on the caffine.  I normally only drink 2 cups per day at breakfast, but there are occations where I have a few more at work.  I need to eat better and lower my stress level (easier said than done right). 

Well, thanks for reading and now I can wait for AF to arrive so I can begin a another cycle. 

Weekend Update

This is your weekend update with Aime32. 

So to start out, Friday I was majorly stressed at work by the end of the day.  Hopefully it's not too big of a deal.  Just need to make one phone call first thing tomorrow when I get in.  J stressed me out a bit as well.  He tends to do that when we are about to have a party. 

Now let's take it to Saturday.  The day started out just fine.  I got up, had my coffee, cleaned, and went to kickboxing.  Once I came home I cleaned up a bit, relaxed, did some laundry, and got ready for our guests.  The afternoon went pretty well.  Had some drinks, food, and relaxed like I had intended.  Well that all changed once when J's friend arrived with his pregnant girlfriend.  My goodness I have never been so uncomfortable....ok yes I have, but this uncomfortable is pregnancy related.  J's other friend also made me uncomfortable.  For awhile, all I heard was pregnant this, baby that, etc.  And alot of this talk wasn't good talk, mostly complaining.  I bit my tongue and held my composure (as tough as it was).  I would trade spots with any of them any day.  Bring on the morning sickness, swollen ankles, backaches, headaches, cravings, and anything else.  Don't complain about something that was given to you so easily and don't complain about the most wonderful experience every woman should experience.  So my good Saturday slowly turned into a bad one where I was getting annoyed very easily.  I'm normally not like that, I blame it on the hormones from the injections and other medications. 

Sunday was relatively good......peaceful to say the least.  Everyone who stayed over cleared out by 11:30, J and I slept part of the afternoon.  Had one of J's friends over for a light cookout and to relax.  Yesterday was a good day.

Here we are to today...Monday.  I was stressing out all day about going to my aunt and uncle's house.  I really didn't feel like being there if my sister was there (we don't talk or get along anymore).  I knew there would be baby talk and a bit of awkwardness from me.....my family doesn't know what I'm going through (at least I don't think) and I'd kind of like to keep it that way.  Anyways, I was being nosey on the bump this morning and actually saw that my sister has a baby site.  Depression sinks in a bit at this point.  I read her "story", meandered through the site a bit, and found her EDD to be my birthday.  I already had one hit to the gut by her, or should I say my fathers announcement, to me.  That was the second blow.  Now, I know that EDD is exactly what it is...it could be before or after this.  But I can't help but hope that she doesn't go into labor on this date.  Is that bad??? 

Well, on another note, I'm in the 2ww and am not feeling hopeful about this cycle.  Thursday I go in for my P4 check and am instructed to POAS on 6/9 if AF hasn't shown yet.  I'm not feeling too hopeful because my E2 was a bit low, 185 to be exact and I feel that the 19 mm follie was empty.  I gotta get out of this funk and get my spirits up a bit....I'm at that point now where I need to start putting more money away in my saving for IVF.....just in case.....

Update

The past couple of days have been very busy.  I've been back and forth to the RE for monitoring appointments.  I went yesterday and my follie size was ok but my estrodial levels were too low.  I went back in today and my follie size is 19 and my estrodial is 185.  I'm concerned that my estrogen level is too low, my follie size may be a bit small still, and so much more.  I guess I'm still in the clomid mind frame where the follicle needs to be a bit bigger.  For some reason I have a bad feeling about this cycle.  I just don't know.  I have been so down and out the past couple of days.  In a way, I went into this with a good and positive feeling.  I guess yesterday was a wake up call that it may not happen.  I've been losing sleep, adding additional stress, and have just not doing too well.  I'm trying to put in the back of my head that this really might not happen and I may have a childless life.  So I'm trying to think/feel that it will be ok even though I know that I won't be ok with it.  I'm trying to maintain my positive attitude, or regain it back.

Tonight I start my HCG injection and start progesterone Friday.  Hopefully it will be a good outcome.

New Cycle

Yesterday I went to the RE for another baseline u/s.  I think my coordinators are starting to see the pressure, stress, etc that I'm in.  I met with my coordinator after my u/s and she was like: "everything looks good, you're ready to beging another cycle.  It looks like you have a 12 and 11mm follie and some smaller unmeasurable ones".  I asked if that was normal on CD 5.  Her response: "Some people yes, but your lining is still thin so that could mean a cyst or a follie left over from last cycle."  She tried to continue talking, but immediately stopped her.  Me: "A cyst?! How will I know if it gets worse?  What will happen if it gets bigger?  How will I know if it is a cyst?"  She asked if it would make me feel better if I also got blwk done.  I wanted to say soo bad...ummm yeah it would make me feel better.  I really do not feel like wasting a cycle or ending up in the hospital.  Trust me, I was as nice as I could be.  Well...while I was waiting to have my labs drawn, I over heard her talking to the lead coordinator that I'm requesting blwk.  They way she said it was that I'm undermeaning her medical advise and inconveniencing her.  I'm sorry, but I'm fairly intelligent and if you tell me there is a potential problem I want it resolved before it gets worse.  I was so furious with her, it took me awhile to calm down.  I understand that she is new and still needs to learn the ropes a bit better.  But I think you need to choose your words wisely or learn to phrase sentences better.  Anyways....despite that whole fiasco yesterday, I began Follistim yesterday at 75 iu again and it's just a left over follie.  Here goes round #2.

My Visitor

AF is paying me a visit.  I'm trying to think positive about this cycle, J thinks I'm crazy.  Anyways, for some reason the start of this cycle is completely different from any that I've EVER had.  I actually had to go out and purchase super tampons.  I have never used them before.  Anyways, I don't know if it is from the Follistim or maybe my body is actually where it needs to be...Now that I read that, it does sound a bit crazy.  I like to find any hidden meaning for anything.  So with that being said, maybe this is a sign that this will be the cycle. 

It's Official... :(

BFN... This morning I took a HPT since AF has not shown and per my RE if it has not shown.  And of course it was negative.  In a way I had a feeling, but it was also very disappointing.  I got to have a little cry before I got ready for work.  I just don't know how this can happen so quickly for people.  IF alone is causing alot of stress and I'm sure it's not doing my body any good either.  I'm hoping it goes better next cycle and I'm sure my RE will want to do a post-coital test as well.  I better not have anything else wrong with me.  So AF better show her ugly face again so I can start my next stims.

Symptoms

Boy do I love symptoms....(Can you sense the sarcasim)  My bb's have been killing me, I've been crampy, and extremely exhausted.  I blame the progesterone.  But compared to my other cycles using fertility meds, these symptoms would have been gone by now.  We'll see Friday morning.  I'm trying not to look too much into this and have a huge fail. 

Funniest thing is going on and I have to be careful.  I'm periodically checking during the day to see if the girls are still sore and yes they still are.  But, I'm starting to do this in public, it's just a little bump and nothing completely graphic.  I did this in Lowe's Saturday and I've been doing this at work.  I gotta stop before someone thinks I'm completely nuts.

Lab work

This morning I met with the office vampire to get my 7 DPO labs drawn.  Everything looks good so far, but I'm not holding my breath.  This happens everytime....I get my hopes up.  My estrogen is at 135 and my P4 is 17.8.  Looks good so far.  Let's hope everything keeps going well from here.

Home Renovations

I'm actually going to steer away from IF talk, at least for today.  J and I are starting to renovate our home...at least on the inside.  We've been working on the outside to make it just a little nicer and private.  We live in a rural community outside of our town although it is relatively quiet, we get alot of nosey people during the summer when we try to entertain.  Plus it may help keep the dog in the yard when we don't have him chained.  Anyways, the original owners of the house decided to put down carpet only to cover up beautiful hardwood floors.  We're trying to get as much done before I ever become pregnant.  J is doing this all himself to save a little bit of money (I think he just wants to say he did it, that whole male pride thing and accomplishment ya know).  Anywho...here are some photos of our upstairs hallway and spare room.

hallway

spare room

Comaprison of floors (redone and not redone)

In our little community, there are rules and regulations for fences.  We are only allowed to have low fences the are spaced 3 inches apart from each piece, low chain-linked fence, or a natural tree fence.  Well, the most obvious decision for us was the natural tree fence.  That way we can get the privacy we want without break town rules.  We've been slowly putting them in over the past 2 years and I think we're finally done.  Well, the back border we may want to put in another row in between the existing ones to make it kind of look like a wall.

Border by one neighbors (my little man in the picture)

Back border along the street

Border along the other neighbors side

Now all I have to do is move those rocks that are pictured above and plant grass seed.  Then the yard should be almost done.

IF Awareness Week

Saturday April 30th: It's National Infertility Awareness Week!  Treatments CAN work!  And for those of us fighting to good fight, know you are not alone.  Don't give up hope!  It will happen which ever path you take.

IF Awareness Week

Friday April 29th:  It's National Infertility Awareness Week!  Did you know that infertility effects both men and women?  Of infertile couples, one third have issues on the woman's side, one third on the man's side, and another third have issues with both partners.  Get more answers to more FAQ at:  www.womenshealth.gov/faq/infertility.cfm

IF Awareness Week

Thursday April 28th:  It's National Infertility Awareness Week!  Did you know that it could take a healthy couple up to a year to conceive?  Infertility is defined as a couple's inability to conceive after one year of trying.  Problems can stem from many diagnosis including:  PCOS, Endometriosis, thyroid or other hormonal imbalances, or male factor infertility.  Impatience is not a fertility issue!  Think you may be dealing with one of these?  Learn more at http://www.resolve.org/

Another Update..

This morning was another monitoring appt on the follistim.  This appt went very well.  My leading folli was at 19 almost 20 and the second was at 15 almost 16.  I got a call at work this afternoon and got the go ahead to trigger tonight.  My estrodial level was over 300.  Which is great, it has never been that high.  Let's see where this gets me.  Hopefully this is it.  I'm getting tired of running all over creation.

IF Awareness Week

Wednesday April 27th:  It's National Infertility Awareness Week!  Did you know that while many insurance companies cover Viagra, that infertility tests and treatment are not covered?  Can you imagine the hundred and thousands of dollars your friends might be spending to start a family?  You can't put a price on a child's love but many are willing (and do) go into debt to know this love.  Tell your congressman this needs to be fixed!  Infertility should be covered by insurances!  https://writerep.house.gov/writerep/welcome.shtml

Monitoring Appt

This morning I had my monitoring appt.  So my four follies turned into two leading follies on the right and a bunch of small ones on the left.  The largest measuring at 17 and the smallest at 14.  My estrodial level is still a bit low, it was at 150.  So I got to inject again this afternoon and go back in for another monitoring appt tomorrow morning.  YAY! Hopefully this is it.  I hope tomorrow I get the ok to trigger. 

IF Awareness Week

Tuesday April 26th:  It's National Infertility Awareness Week!  Did you know many couples feel "broken" or that they have "failed" at some point during their journey?  Our fertility issue is due to medical conditions, nothing we've done makes this something we "deserve".  For an eye opening experience into how it feels, take two minutes to read this:  www.infertilityeducation.org/pdf/infertilityfeelslike.pdf

IF Awareness Week

Monday April 25th:  It's National Infertility Awareness Week!  Sometimes asking a couple why they are not pregnant yet is more insensitive then you may think.  Learn about infertility etiquette here http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

IF Awareness Week

So it is now midnight and officially starts Infertility Awareness Week.  Yes I am still up...J is out with a friend and I am waiting for a call to pick him up.  At this time I'm taking a break from my book.  So without further adu...

Sunday April 24th:  It's National Infertility Awareness Week!  Did you know one in eight couples have trouble conceiving?  To get a glimpse into those dealing with this medical condition, please watch this video from a fellow IFer Keiko Zoll.  http://www.vimeo.com/11214833

National Infertility Awareness

Tomorrow begins National Infertility Awareness Week. 

My New Friends.

Yesterday, my new shipment of meds came in.  Although I've been using the Follistim since Tuesday, I thought I'd wait until it all showed up.  Pictured is my Follistim Pen with its syringes, HCG and its syringe, and last but not least the progesterone.  My bruise is slowly healing from my first injection...It's not as bad as it was on Wednesday.  I now have a new bruise on my left arm where my blood was drawn yesterday morning.  I have never bruised like this with any lab draws.  I'm really taking a beating this cycle.  Tuesday is my next monitoring appointment and hopefully everything is progessing as it should be

Monitoring Appt

This morning was my first monitoring appt on the Follistim.  My follies are still a bit small, but I had only just finished 2 days of injects.  The u/s tech saw 4 leading follies measuring from 7-8 mm this morning and a bunch of other unmeasurable ones.  I got a call back from my coordinator this afternoon and got the go ahead to continue the Follistim throughout the weekend at my current dose of 75 units.  Then I get to truck back to the RE's office for hopefully my final monitoring appt (either on the first cycle of Follistim or completely).  After that appt, I will hopefully get the ok to trigger. 

I started!

This morning I went in for my baselines.  I didn't have to do blwk since my u/s turned out great.  So, after the baseline appt I got the go ahead to inject today.  Since I didn't have any medication I got some from my RE's office.  It wasn't as bad as I thought, but I must have hit a blood vessel because I was bleeding pretty good for a few seconds.  I go back in Thursday morning for my first monitoring appt on the Follistim and hope I'm on a good track. 

Now time for dinner and a hair appt.  Have a good night!

Finally!!!!

I finally heard back from my RE's office today.  This morning my nurse called my to let me know they're still waiting but wanted me to talk to my coordinator.  I spoke with her and finally got at least some information.  I found out that my endometrial and cervical biopsies came back normal, but one of my pathologies came back abnormal.  I had some chronic rare cells.  My RE wants to make sure this won't hinder the Follistim use.  At least it was nothing serious...Now why couldn't I get that answer 2 weeks ago!  To my surprise I got a call back early afternoon.  The number of the rare cells that I had were only at five and the pathologist said that should not hinder anything.  I am finally able to move forward.  So tomorrow morning I go in for my baseline u/s and blwk.  If all goes well, I start the Follistim tomorrow night.  Thursday I go back in for my first monitoring appt on the Follistim.

It feels sooooo good to finally move forward again. 

Another BFN!

Friday morning I woke up to a lovely surprise....AF!  And 3 days early too!  I'm not too fond of early visitors, I'm never ready.  On top of that, I never heard back from my RE or my nurse.  I'm majorly pissed!  I called Friday, again, just to let them know I started my cycle and to call me at work if my biopsy results were in.  NO CALL ALL DAY.  I would really like to move on....Really!!!  I'm very upset over this.  I do not know how this could take almost a month and why does my RE need to speak with the pathologist.  Is there something wrong?  Was the antibiotic that I was on not effective?  Is there something else going on?  I just want answers.  Four break cycles is enough already.  If my biopsy is normal, then I would like to start my new treatment.  If it is not normal, then I would like to start my next course of antibiotics ASAP.  I hate prolonging anything!  Well, my new goal is to have a 2012 baby and to become pregnant in 2011.  I really do need to chill out a bit.  I'm getting too stressed out, over emotional, and super hormonal that it is hindering me and my overall well being.

Nerves!

So I made my follow up call to my RE's office like I had planned.  I left a message for my nurse asking about my results and my meds/if they were sent to my pharmacy.  Around 11ish I received my return phone call from my nurse explaining that my doctor needs to talk to the pathologist.  GREAT!!!  She continued stating she doesn't think that it is bad news, but doctor has my chart on his desk and his door was closed.  To me, that just tells me that something is wrong.  I am so on edge right now it's ridiculous.  This could be why my pharmacy wasn't called or had anything faxed.  Or it could be that my course of treatment is again changed.  I just wish I had some sort of answer.  This wait is killing me and starting to scare me a bit as well as stressing me out.  Not only for my results, but to get my medication in time to start treatment. 

Becoming a Mother (Found on The Bump)

I had copied this poem from the IF board on thebump.com  It is a beautiful poem and really touches my heart.  Please enjoy.

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that ...I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which

I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face,

yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother...

-Unknown.

Hit with a Bomb Today

So today I saw my dad and the first thing out of his mouth was "Guess what...Your sister is pregnant".  I immediately started bawling my eyes out.  Dad saw my reaction and said "what are you not happy for her?"  Well that is when the tears turned into a uncontrollable waterfall.  Inbetween my heaving sobs, I told my dad "I am happy for her, I just feel that the way I was told was insensitive to what I am going through."  He let me cry a little and then the conversation continued.  I really wish it would have stopped there.  He asked me what am I doing to help my situation.  I was about to answer him and he decided to butt in.  Are you still taking your medicine, because so and so's wife had the same condition and she stopped.  She then got pregnant.  I started to cry again.  I pretty much yelled, I am experiencing infertility.  My problem is not my one medication that I take to pretty much save my life.  He asked me what my doctors are doing.  I told him I will starting injections soon and if they don't work I will have to move onto IVF.  Then I stated which will not happen because I cannot afford it. 

My mental state was good up until this morning.  I felt that I was progressing with everything and I was on a good track.  Now I just feel depressed, I hate my body, and confused as to how people get pregnant so quickly.  I am starting to lose hope again and I'm now back to where I was a couple weeks ago.  I didn't react this bad when friends and co-workers who were good friends became pregnant.  It seemed to hurt more that it was family and my younger sister who just got married.  I guess it really hurt that she didn't tell me herself.  Maybe she felt she couldn't because we have not spoken in over a year.  I just feel like crawling back into bed, but what good is that going to do.  Too many thoughts and emotions to process today. 

Disappointment

I can't help but say that I am a little disappointed with my RE's office.  I had my biopsy done last Wednesday and was told the results would be back rather quickly.  Well, I tend to not hold my breath with that promise.  Working in a physician's office myself and waiting on labs for my surgeries, I normally expect the labs to take a few days to a week.  I wasn't concerned when I didn't hear anything last Friday...I also wasn't concerned when I didn't hear anything on Monday.  But it has now been over a week and I have not heard from my nurse.  Maybe there's nothing going on?!  However, if I still have residual inflammation/infection I want to start treatment sooner rather than later. 

Also....one of the coordinators who I had met with prior to leaving my office visit last Wednesday gave me a task to check my pharmacy for my injectables.  My prescription plan changed and they thought I was out of pocket.  I told her I would check right away and call the office by Friday.  Then she hits me with a bomb that the day I saw her was her last day and she is leaving the practice.  I was a bit upset since I mainly worked with her and she was always right on track of my chart and I felt that she "knew"me.  I have worked with the other coordinator a couple of times and I like her, but she just doesn't know me.  Anyways, to break away from my rambling, I called the office last Friday and explained the my fertility drugs come from the same pharmacy that I had used before and they can fax my scripts to them or call with concerns.  Well it has been over 1 week and I haven't heard from my pharmacy.  Last time I heard within a couple of days.  So this is starting to make me think that I still have the inflammation.  Ughh!!!  I'm getting very frustrated right now and stressed out.  Because if I need the Follistim I will be needing it soon.  Like a week and a half soon.  It doesn't take long for delivery, but I'm just concerned that they don't have it in stock and other factors. 

I guess I will give my RE's office until noon on Monday and I will give them a follow up call.  I just want to make sure I don't need an antibiotic and/or to make sure my pharmacy was contacted.

Thanks for letting me vent and if you made it to the end, sorry for the rambling

RE Visit

Today I finally got to see my RE.  I haven't seen him since January when I had my surgery.  Today my visit started with an endometrial biopy.  Let me tell you...that was not pleasant at all!  It was worse than the HSG.  It was 40 seconds of pure pain, cramps, and I shed a tear or two.  Needless to say, the Advil didn't work as expected.  So here is my new gameplan with my RE.  I will sit this cycle out.  My RE or my nurse will call me this Friday or Monday with my biopsy results.  If I happen to have some residual infection/inflammation going on, I will be back on an antibiotic and have another repeat biopsy...Let's hope it's all clear, I do not want to go through that again!  If I get the all clear, I start Follistim next cycle on CD 5-10 at 75 units.  I will continue with the HCG once I'm ready to ovulate and finish with the progesterone suppositories again.  The only downside to the Follistim is that I have to run to the RE office for an average of 2-4 monitoring appointments, but I have to do it so I don't run into any complications.  Thank goodness for sick and vacation time.  Once I go in for my final monitoring appointment, I will also do 1 post-coital test to see if the spermies are swimming without any problems.  My RE gave me 3-4 cycles on Follistim.  If there is no success, I will have the option of continuing with 1 or 2 more cycles of Follistim with a very low chance of anything happening OR I move onto IVF.  That is going to be a long conversation between me and Jim as well as my RE.  Hopefully it won't come down to that and my RE feels the same way.  He feels that I will benefit from the Follistim better than the Clomid. 

After my appointment today, I felt very hopeful and positive which has been a huge change in my attitude.  It also helped that I had a nice conversation with one of my co-workers on Monday.  Although are paths were different, our stories were oh so similar.  It was really nice to know someone who has been down the same road of disappointments, frustrations, and failed cycles of Clomid.  She now has two gorgeous newborn babies.  Thanks to her, she gave me back my positive thinking and gave me that spark of hope that I had lost a few months ago. 

At this time, I'm putting IVF in the back of my mind.  I'm not touching that with a 10 foot pole at this time.  I believe my time will come and my journey could be happening for a reason.  I know it is helping my with my tolerance, patience, and overall well-being both mentally and physically.  And I know because of my journey, I will be the best mother I can and want to be.

Now I'm off to another appointment.  Thanks for reading and enjoy the rest of the day!