Monday, December 27, 2010

Yet Another BFN!

This morning I took a pregnancy test and saw the words "not pregnant".  In a way, I knew this wasn't going to happen, but I still couldn't help but obssess over every symptom that I had: the constant headaches, fatigue, nausea, sore BB's...I knew it was AF trying to make her appearance but I was trying to remain hopeful.  Now I have a break cycle and I will prepare for my surgery in about 2 weeks.  The prep is going to suck since I can't have any aspirin or ibuprofen products...I tend to get some massive headaches at work.  I also have to prep with an enema the night before and the morning of surgery.  AWESOME right?!  Can't wait.  I am hoping that my RE finds something when he going in.  I think we all need some more answers as to why nothing sticks.  What really has me a little ticked is to why my RE is deciding to do the procedure now and not in the beginning.  Working in the medical field myself, I'm all for conservative treatments, but I feel that maybe I wouldn't have wasted all of my clomid treatments if this procedure was done in the beginning.  Well I can't argue with his methods, he is an excellent doctor. 

So with Jim totally on board with my surgery, which is completely shocking, we talked about the future.  We have not done this in quite sometime.  Our first topic was about my car.  My car is getting up there on miles and has seen better days.  When we have our child/children he wants me to have a more reliable car and I completely agree.  So I have been saving up for a SUV, most likely a Honda CRV.  I looked at him after our brief conversation and I can see that he was still thinking.  He then asked what if I had to choose between a car and IVF.  I think he is starting to realize that IVF is becoming more of a reality for us.  I told him hands down that I would want the IVF.  As much as I need a car, I want a child more.  And besides, Jim has a car that I could use.  He has a work vehicle and RARELY uses his car.  The only problem is that I'd have to learn how to drive stick and I had tried already.  Didn't turn out too good.  I did good on the highway and Interstate, but not on our town roads....I kind of freaked out.  Anyways, what I was thinking was that maybe I can set up another account with my bank for IVF.  So that I have enough for a car and part of the IVF.  Something to look into I guess.

What I'm hoping for is that this surgery will find something and when I begin the injectables I will become pregnant.  I only have a few goals for 2011.  One is to become more organized.  Two is to increase my exercising at home when I do not have exercise class.  Three is to be better with my finances/savings.  Four is to become pregnant.  Five is to have a better outlook on things.  Hopefully 2011 will be a wonderful year for everyone!

Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Oh What a Day...

So today I had an appt with my RE to discuss further treatment plans.  We're still waiting on my final outcome of Clomid, but needed a plan for January.  My RE is hesitant to start me on injectables at this time and wants to go ahead with the surgery.  So my surgery will consist of a diagnostic lap, oper./laser lap, hysteroscopy, D&C, and tubal perfusion.  Hopefully this procedure will provide more answers for me.  I called Jim to discuss everything and, surprisingly, he was in agreeance with this plan.  Normally when Jim hears surgery he tends to freak out a little bit.  Since I will be needing a driver, he was nice enough to offer the day off of work.  So I guess tomorrow I need to talk to work and figure everything out.  I'm crossing my fingers, toes, and legs that I will not need his done.  Hopefully I will have a Christmas miracle.  But incase I don't, it's on to the procedure and then injectables for 3 cycles. 

Sunday, December 12, 2010


I must make a confession.....I am a horrible blogger.  Phew that felt good...I had my monitoring appt on Friday 12/10 for my final cycle of Clomid.  I must say it went pretty good.  Lining was good and my Estrodial level was 256.  I had one leading follie measuring at 24mm and 2 smaller follies one at 14 mm and the other at 12 mm.  Hopefully my 14 mm follie grew to a measurable 18 mm this weekend.  Per my RE I was to trigger on Friday night since I wasn't having a LH surge.  My RE and my nurse didn't want my follie to get any bigger than 24 mm.  I also decided to buy Preseed Friday after work, couldn't hurt right?!  I also felt that I was more dry than my prior cycles (sorry TMI, I know).  During this cycle, I did notice CM but I didn't think it was good enough.  Hence my reasoning for Preseed.  I had O pains yesterday and a bit this morning which is definately a good sign.  Tomorrow night I start my progesterone suppositories again and wish for a positive outcome.  Although I'm not too hopeful.  My confidence with Clomid is now zero so I am prepared for yet another BFN.  I go in for blwk 7 DPO for a progesterone and estrogen check.  My progesterone level has been pretty good with the suppositories.  So I at least know they are working despite how unpleasant they are. 

On 12/21 I have another meeting with my RE.  This appt is to discuss the what's next.  I know for a fact that if I fail again this cycle I will be moving on to injectibles.  So I'm guessing that I will be learning what meds I will be on and injectable protocol.  SOOO much fun!! 

I also just realized that Christmas Eve I will be able to begin using the HPT.  My RE doesn't want me to test until 12/27 though.  I hope I can hold out....I might have to.  I don't think I can handle that type of bad news on Christmas.  Although it would be a nice gift for DH and me if I were to get a positive test.  This is a difficult decision.  I'm hoping that we have alot of company or we are out of the house alot so I don't get tempted.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

What A Day.....

I had a very long and crazy morning at work.  Oh and by the way I'm still at work.  At least no one is here and I can coast along this afternoon.  Things started out ok until I started getting charts ready.  Well my computer picked a great day to decide not to print as well as a co-workers.  So I got to spend at least an hour on the phone with my IT department.  I got so backed up checking in and logging in I was nearly in tears.

My doctors office decided to call me today on one of my busiest days.  They finally received my blwk from before the holidays.  My P4 level is finally good it was at 18 (Kudos to my body for that) and my prolactin level is finally stable at 6.5 (it's about time).  Now for the bad result....My Estrogen level was really low (go figure).  If it is not one level screwing me it's another.  My RE thinks that my other E2 levels were good because I took the HCG shot.  This time I couldn't due to my LH surge occuring earlier than expected.  So I get to go in for CD 12 monitoring and trigger early with hopes of a successful cycle.  My nurse did tell me that if this cycle is a bust, my RE wants to move to more aggressive treatment with me (which was discussed briefly at my last appointment with him).  If this cycle does not work then I will be moving on to injectables.  Hopefully this will all work out and not come to that.  I go back in to see my RE on 12/21 and await "positive" results come the new year. 

Ughh this is soo tiring!!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


I was bored...Here are some random q/a about me...

Birthday: October 15
Zodiac Sign: Libra
Where were you born: Pennsylvania
Where do you live now: Pennsylvania
Height: 5'5
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Eye Color: Dark Brown
Tattoos: one
Piercings: ears and belly

Color: Green
Food:  this is tough...I love food.  I would say fettuccini with pesto sauce and peas
Candy: Hershey's Kisses, Reese's Cubs, Hershey Bars
Movie: Too many to name....All time fav Sixteen Candles
TV Show: Greys, Family Guy
Actor: Will Ferrell, Johnny Depp
Actress:  Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Aniston
Favorite Author: Nicholas Sparks
Band or Singer:  hmmm...Paramore
Song: At this time...Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons
Holiday: Christmas
Season: Spring or Fall
Day of the week: Friday
Store:  Kohls, Burlington Coat Factory
Restaurant:  Red Lobster is one of my favs.
Sport: Softball
Animal: Dogs
Flower: Roses

*Have you ever*
Danced in the rain: No
tripped and had an embarrassing fall:  OMG have I ever
smoked: Yes
got drunk: Yes
done drugs: prescription?
gone skinny dipping: I'll leave this one go
been in a car accident: yes
been in love: yes
met the President: no
met a celebrity: Yes, Amy VanDyke.  Well she's not really a celeb but an olympic athelete
cried over a movie: yes.  and might I add that a few were in the theater and it was really load and embarassing
laughed so hard you cried:  yes.  At my husband and alot of other times in my life
cried for no reason at all:  yes.  when you're jacked up with fertility drugs you tend to do that

*the last*
thing you said: See you tomorrow
thing you ate: chicken
song you heard: Dynamite
movie you saw: The Expendables
cd you bought: geez I don't remember.  I believe it was Dave Matthews Band
book you read:  The Infertility Survival Handbook
phone call:  my husband
im: haven't had one of those in a looooong time
person you yelled at: can't remember

*This or that*
pepsi or coke: pepsi
mcdonalds or burger king: burger king
chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
tv or movies: both
colored pencils or markers: colored pencils
sun or moon: both
day or night:  ehhh depends
pants or shorts: pants
long sleeve or short sleeve: long sleeve
n'sync or backstreet boys: How can you possibly think I can answer this one!!!  Both and add in New Kids on the Block
burgers or hot dogs: burgers
rock or rap: rock but I do like some rap
aim or phone: phone
romantic comedy or thriller:  romantic comedy
waffles or pancakes: pancakes
peanut butter or jelly: peanut butter

AF showed her head....

So AF finally decided to show 3 days ago and go back to my RE for monitoring on 12/10.  I begin my final attemp with Clomid on Friday and await my results yet again.  I'm really not that hopeful this cycle.  It just seems to be the same story month after month with me.  If I do get my same results, hopefully I will get better results with injectables.  Let's play the waiting game again. 

Oh and as for my shoulder...I see my doctor on Monday and will most likely go for an MRI.  I'm seeing some improvement, but still have pain and difficulty sleeping.  Everything is just AWESOME............. 

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Another BFN...

So I had tested Wednesday, Friday, and today...It's official I am not pregnant.  Friday was the worst.  I had cried for almost 2 hours straight.  I guess I was hopeful that I "blossomed" late and would see at least a faint line confirming my convictions.  No such luck.  About a month ago, I had my mind set on taking December off to give myself a mental break.  As usual, I had changed my mind.  My RE wants me to do 5 cycles of Clomid.  Well December will bring me to my final attempt with this medication.  I figured if December wasn't my lucky month then I can start new in January.  Ring in the new year with new fertility medication.  At this point I'm giving up hope with Clomid.  It worked great for the most part...I began ovulating sooner (I was normally ovulating on CD 18 or 20), my follies have begun to reach maturity, and my hormones have begun to stabilize.  So, if the Clomid fails yet again I will be moving on to all injectables.  The good news about that is there is a higher success rate with pregnancy.  Also a higher rate of multiples.  I'm definately open to that, anything more than twins will make me extrememly nervous and increase my anxiety level. 

If my luck wasn't bad kickboxing today I think I may have torn something in my shoulder.  Awesome!  I'll have to have one of my docs look at it when I'm at work.  Hopefully it's nothing that rest, ice, and ibuprofen can't cure.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A Breath of Fresh Air

So this week of work has been nothing but a breath of fresh air.  After weeks of being buried in paperwork and rushing to get work done at the last minute I can officially say that I am caught up.  I had no idea I was that far behind on EVERYTHING!!!  Just need to get my mid December surgeries out and begin my total joint scheduling for January.  All I need to worry about in the mean time are my medical clearances, authorizations, and getting the surgeries to the hospitals and facilities.  It was so nice to end my work days with zero stress and zero worries.  No worrying if I did this, did I forget to do this, did I send this, did this doctor sign that....The picture below says it all (if I had a window).

work stress cartoons, work stress cartoon, work stress picture, work stress pictures, work stress image, work stress images, work stress illustration, work stress illustrations
Now I can sit back a coast the rest of the week and possibly next week.  I'm predicting next week won't be too bad due to Thanksgiving and Black Friday.  Thankfully we're closed and I'll have a nice long weekend.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Another 2 ww.....

Well I am officially in yet another 2 ww.  I hope everything works out this time.  Now that I think of it....if this does stick I would be due in August!  Which is the month we were married!  Ugh that would be a wonderful gift.  Like my other cycles, I'm not getting my hopes up.  Hopefully I will return with good news in 2 weeks!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Monitoring Appt

Today I had my monitoring appointment for my fourth cycle of clomid.  Everything seemed good.  My largest folli was on the left and measured at 28.  I had about 4 on my right but were unmeasurable.  Bloodwork looked good so I'm hoping for the best this cycle.  Despite all the good news I got, I got a little upset at my RE's office for the first time.  My RE nurse had to draw my blood since the lab tech was having difficulty with another patient.  Well mt nurse was brutal on me.  She started out good, but I think she went too deep because the blood stopped flowing.  Once that was resolved, I got another shock..My nurse told me my follies were only 11 and that I would need to come back on Monday.  I didn't think to question her because I thought that I didn't hear the u/s tech right.  So on my way back into work I got a call to come back to the office and pick up my HCG since mine won't be in until tomorrow.  Thankfully I was only 5 minutese from the office.  I do have about a 1 1/2 hour commute.  Here's to a "positive" cycle.


Thursday, November 4, 2010

Here We Go Again....

So tonight I started my fourth round of clomid.  I'm really hoping this is the cycle.  I still need to call in my other meds to my pharmacy, but there is still time for that.  Next Friday I go into my RE's office for my monitoring u/s and blwk.  More fun.....I still need to get my blood drawn to check my prolactin level.  At least my busy tasks have been working to keep my mind busy.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Update On Me..

So after having a little downfall with this past cycle, I have decided to make myself do more things to a) keep my stress level down; b) keep me occupied; c) keep my mind busy.  Well I must say that I have found a few things that will definately do that.  I decided to take up knitting.  My grandmother, who is deceased, use to knit all the time and make beautiful things.  I wanted to learn how to do that.  So after picking up some medications at Walmart I decided to check out the yarn aisle.  I had started this today and it is a challenge.  After practicing for a while, I'm starting to get the hand of it.  I don't know what I am making yet, but it is definately a work in progress.  Plus I figured this would be something good to learn for when I do have children.  I will be able to make blankets, hats, gloves, slippers, etc.  Hopefully I will be able to become that experienced. 

I also have a few books put aside to start reading.  I haven't picked up a good book in awhile.  I thought after graduation I'd give myself a mental break, but that obviously didn't work out too well...Dealing with IF my mind really has not taken a vacation. 

The next thing I am deciding to learn is sewing again.  I learned way back in Junior High, but would actually like to pick this up again.  I just need to get a new sewing machine.  The one I have now is not that good. 

Well that is at least my psychological update, now onto my IF update....

AF had finally arrived this morning and she was MAD!!  I have had pain my other cycles because of the clomid.  But now that I have added progesterone to the mix I could not even tolerate it.  I actually had to by Midol today.  Tomorrow I need to call my RE office and set up my monitoring appt for CD 13 or CD 14.  I also need to make sure they call in my refills of Clomid.  I guess my RE didn't think I would need more than 3 cycles of it.  I also need to call Freedom Fertility for my HCG shot and more progesterone...I get to start all of this fun on CD 5 which will be Thursday.  Oh I can't tolerate all this fun...At least I feel better psychologically going into this cycle.

Have a good one!!

Friday, October 29, 2010


Yet another cycle resulting in a BFN!  Since Sunday, I have been POAS hoping to see a positive result on FRER.  No so luck!  AF was due on Wednesday and she didn't come.  I knew it was one of two things: the progesterone that I am taking or I'm pregnant.  My RE did tell me that the progesterone may delay AF by a few days.  Well I POAS again this morning with CBE and it resulted in another negative.  So I did not use another progesterone this morning and will await the presence of AF.  Now I can start this fun all over again.  I must say this is getting very discouraging.  I think this upcoming cycle will be my last until the new year.  I really don't think Jim and I can take this pressure and disappointment over the holidays.  I'm not sure yet, I'm going back and forth with this.  If I do decide to go forward during December then it will be my last cycle my RE wants me on of clomid.  Which will bring me to 5 months of clomid.  I will then be moving on to the next step which will most likely be injectables.  My stress level has been slowly increasing with work, family, and this whole wonderful IF thing.  I'm trying to find ways to reduce this stress and relax more.  My exercising is only working so much and lasting so long. 

And I just remembered I am coming up on my one year anniversary with my RE.  February will be my 3rd year mark of TTC.  I honestly didn't think it would take me this long..........

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Why Did I Do That?!?!

So today I was shopping at Walmart and decided to by FRER just to have.  Well I got home and decided to test.  I don't know why, but I was curious to see if anything would show.  Maybe that is why there is a phrase "curiosity killed the cat"...I am not temping, charting, or any of that since I am being monitored by my RE.  Today I am 11 DPO and got a BFN.  Maybe that is too soon to test or maybe I really did get a BFN?  It is just so gut wrenching and discouraging.  At least I know the HCG is out of my system so any positives after today is for real.  I guess I will wait it out a few more days.  AF is due to arrive this Wednesday, so I guess I will test if I do not get it.  This way I will know for sure if I should stop my progesterone intake. 

What is making matters worse is that I am torturing myself watching 16 and Pregnant.  This is not helping my emotional state.  I have been overemotional lately.  Gotta love Progesterone!!!!! 

Sunday, October 17, 2010

10 Things You May Not Know About Me..

Given the fact that I have started a blog and did not offer too much about myself, here are some tidbits about me:

1.  I am the oldest of 3 children (all girls, my poor dad)
2.  I changed my major in college 3 times
3.  I was an athlete almost my whole life:  I was an avid swimmer from age 5 until 21; played softball for 10 years; played soccer; and was a dancer
4.  My husband is the tallest man I have ever dated
5.  I loathe tomatoes!!!!!  My husband cannot stand this fact, I will pick them off and out of anything.
6.  I love doing projects, but complain when I am actually doing them
7.  I lack common sense
8.  I enjoy reading especially Nicholas Sparks books
9.  I love to cook and bake but hate the clean up (who doesn't)
10.  I love to spend time at the beach.  Give me any beach, I will love it and its atmosphere

2 Week Wait

So I am now officially in the 2ww and it is not fun.  With the addition of medications (Novarel and progesterone) I have been a bit emotional and moody.  If you ask my husband I am nuts.  Also, I have been eating everything in site even though I am not hungry.  My birthday was on Friday and my gram baked me a very large chocolate cake.  She is such a sweetheart, I love her.  Ever since I can remember she has always baked me a cake or my favorite pie.  Just thinking about it makes me want to go back in the kitchen and eat another slice.  I guess I gotta work out extra hard tomorrow (that's if I do).  I really should, I ate so much good junk today. 

I need to find something to keep me occupied.  All I am doing is counting down the days until I can POAS.  That date will be around next Tuesday or Wednesday.  I'm hoping that all this medication will do the trick this cycle and I get a wonderful surprise.  In all honesty, I'm getting very tired of popping pills, doing injections, sticking suppositories up my vag, timing intercorse, and getting a disappointment each cycle.  Ughh...Ok rant over.


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Monitoring Appointment

This morning I had my monitoring appointment for my third round of clomid.  I must say that it went better than expected.  I had two follicles on my Right side:  one measuring at 23 and the other measuring at 14.  My estrogen level was at 258 and my lining looked very good.  So I had met with my nurse and had gotten some of my instructions I was then to await for her call this afternoon.  My Re said I can use my HCG injection tonight since he does not want the largest follie to get any larger.  I then get to start my progesterone on Friday.  Let's hope to this course staying on a "positive" track.  The only thing that sucks about this cycle is that my husband is out of the state for a few days so I won't get to see him until late Thursday night, that's if I even get to see him.  Can I say how much I hate him being out of town when I need him.

Monday, October 11, 2010

New to the Blogging World

Hello All!  This is my first ever blog.  I felt blogging would be something positive that I can add to my life given everything going on in my life: IF, family, work, etc.  I felt that this would be a good way of destressing or releasing my thoughts and emotions.  Between you and me exercise only does so much especially when there are things on your mind.  By doing this blog, I hope to help myself, and even maybe others, with my journey. 

On a positive note, this is my birthday week with my actual birthday being on Friday October 15.  I'm hoping to get a gift that will be most enjoyed and, of course, non-returnable.  Hopefully I will receive that gift at the end of the month. 

This week will most definately be busy ranging from monitoring appointments to my birthday night.  Here's to a good week and thanks for reading!