Weekend Update

This is your weekend update with Aime32. 

So to start out, Friday I was majorly stressed at work by the end of the day.  Hopefully it's not too big of a deal.  Just need to make one phone call first thing tomorrow when I get in.  J stressed me out a bit as well.  He tends to do that when we are about to have a party. 

Now let's take it to Saturday.  The day started out just fine.  I got up, had my coffee, cleaned, and went to kickboxing.  Once I came home I cleaned up a bit, relaxed, did some laundry, and got ready for our guests.  The afternoon went pretty well.  Had some drinks, food, and relaxed like I had intended.  Well that all changed once when J's friend arrived with his pregnant girlfriend.  My goodness I have never been so uncomfortable....ok yes I have, but this uncomfortable is pregnancy related.  J's other friend also made me uncomfortable.  For awhile, all I heard was pregnant this, baby that, etc.  And alot of this talk wasn't good talk, mostly complaining.  I bit my tongue and held my composure (as tough as it was).  I would trade spots with any of them any day.  Bring on the morning sickness, swollen ankles, backaches, headaches, cravings, and anything else.  Don't complain about something that was given to you so easily and don't complain about the most wonderful experience every woman should experience.  So my good Saturday slowly turned into a bad one where I was getting annoyed very easily.  I'm normally not like that, I blame it on the hormones from the injections and other medications. 

Sunday was relatively good......peaceful to say the least.  Everyone who stayed over cleared out by 11:30, J and I slept part of the afternoon.  Had one of J's friends over for a light cookout and to relax.  Yesterday was a good day.

Here we are to today...Monday.  I was stressing out all day about going to my aunt and uncle's house.  I really didn't feel like being there if my sister was there (we don't talk or get along anymore).  I knew there would be baby talk and a bit of awkwardness from me.....my family doesn't know what I'm going through (at least I don't think) and I'd kind of like to keep it that way.  Anyways, I was being nosey on the bump this morning and actually saw that my sister has a baby site.  Depression sinks in a bit at this point.  I read her "story", meandered through the site a bit, and found her EDD to be my birthday.  I already had one hit to the gut by her, or should I say my fathers announcement, to me.  That was the second blow.  Now, I know that EDD is exactly what it is...it could be before or after this.  But I can't help but hope that she doesn't go into labor on this date.  Is that bad??? 

Well, on another note, I'm in the 2ww and am not feeling hopeful about this cycle.  Thursday I go in for my P4 check and am instructed to POAS on 6/9 if AF hasn't shown yet.  I'm not feeling too hopeful because my E2 was a bit low, 185 to be exact and I feel that the 19 mm follie was empty.  I gotta get out of this funk and get my spirits up a bit....I'm at that point now where I need to start putting more money away in my saving for IVF.....just in case.....

Update

The past couple of days have been very busy.  I've been back and forth to the RE for monitoring appointments.  I went yesterday and my follie size was ok but my estrodial levels were too low.  I went back in today and my follie size is 19 and my estrodial is 185.  I'm concerned that my estrogen level is too low, my follie size may be a bit small still, and so much more.  I guess I'm still in the clomid mind frame where the follicle needs to be a bit bigger.  For some reason I have a bad feeling about this cycle.  I just don't know.  I have been so down and out the past couple of days.  In a way, I went into this with a good and positive feeling.  I guess yesterday was a wake up call that it may not happen.  I've been losing sleep, adding additional stress, and have just not doing too well.  I'm trying to put in the back of my head that this really might not happen and I may have a childless life.  So I'm trying to think/feel that it will be ok even though I know that I won't be ok with it.  I'm trying to maintain my positive attitude, or regain it back.

Tonight I start my HCG injection and start progesterone Friday.  Hopefully it will be a good outcome.

New Cycle

Yesterday I went to the RE for another baseline u/s.  I think my coordinators are starting to see the pressure, stress, etc that I'm in.  I met with my coordinator after my u/s and she was like: "everything looks good, you're ready to beging another cycle.  It looks like you have a 12 and 11mm follie and some smaller unmeasurable ones".  I asked if that was normal on CD 5.  Her response: "Some people yes, but your lining is still thin so that could mean a cyst or a follie left over from last cycle."  She tried to continue talking, but immediately stopped her.  Me: "A cyst?! How will I know if it gets worse?  What will happen if it gets bigger?  How will I know if it is a cyst?"  She asked if it would make me feel better if I also got blwk done.  I wanted to say soo bad...ummm yeah it would make me feel better.  I really do not feel like wasting a cycle or ending up in the hospital.  Trust me, I was as nice as I could be.  Well...while I was waiting to have my labs drawn, I over heard her talking to the lead coordinator that I'm requesting blwk.  They way she said it was that I'm undermeaning her medical advise and inconveniencing her.  I'm sorry, but I'm fairly intelligent and if you tell me there is a potential problem I want it resolved before it gets worse.  I was so furious with her, it took me awhile to calm down.  I understand that she is new and still needs to learn the ropes a bit better.  But I think you need to choose your words wisely or learn to phrase sentences better.  Anyways....despite that whole fiasco yesterday, I began Follistim yesterday at 75 iu again and it's just a left over follie.  Here goes round #2.

My Visitor

AF is paying me a visit.  I'm trying to think positive about this cycle, J thinks I'm crazy.  Anyways, for some reason the start of this cycle is completely different from any that I've EVER had.  I actually had to go out and purchase super tampons.  I have never used them before.  Anyways, I don't know if it is from the Follistim or maybe my body is actually where it needs to be...Now that I read that, it does sound a bit crazy.  I like to find any hidden meaning for anything.  So with that being said, maybe this is a sign that this will be the cycle. 

It's Official... :(

BFN... This morning I took a HPT since AF has not shown and per my RE if it has not shown.  And of course it was negative.  In a way I had a feeling, but it was also very disappointing.  I got to have a little cry before I got ready for work.  I just don't know how this can happen so quickly for people.  IF alone is causing alot of stress and I'm sure it's not doing my body any good either.  I'm hoping it goes better next cycle and I'm sure my RE will want to do a post-coital test as well.  I better not have anything else wrong with me.  So AF better show her ugly face again so I can start my next stims.

Symptoms

Boy do I love symptoms....(Can you sense the sarcasim)  My bb's have been killing me, I've been crampy, and extremely exhausted.  I blame the progesterone.  But compared to my other cycles using fertility meds, these symptoms would have been gone by now.  We'll see Friday morning.  I'm trying not to look too much into this and have a huge fail. 

Funniest thing is going on and I have to be careful.  I'm periodically checking during the day to see if the girls are still sore and yes they still are.  But, I'm starting to do this in public, it's just a little bump and nothing completely graphic.  I did this in Lowe's Saturday and I've been doing this at work.  I gotta stop before someone thinks I'm completely nuts.

Lab work

This morning I met with the office vampire to get my 7 DPO labs drawn.  Everything looks good so far, but I'm not holding my breath.  This happens everytime....I get my hopes up.  My estrogen is at 135 and my P4 is 17.8.  Looks good so far.  Let's hope everything keeps going well from here.

Home Renovations

I'm actually going to steer away from IF talk, at least for today.  J and I are starting to renovate our home...at least on the inside.  We've been working on the outside to make it just a little nicer and private.  We live in a rural community outside of our town although it is relatively quiet, we get alot of nosey people during the summer when we try to entertain.  Plus it may help keep the dog in the yard when we don't have him chained.  Anyways, the original owners of the house decided to put down carpet only to cover up beautiful hardwood floors.  We're trying to get as much done before I ever become pregnant.  J is doing this all himself to save a little bit of money (I think he just wants to say he did it, that whole male pride thing and accomplishment ya know).  Anywho...here are some photos of our upstairs hallway and spare room.

hallway

spare room

Comaprison of floors (redone and not redone)

In our little community, there are rules and regulations for fences.  We are only allowed to have low fences the are spaced 3 inches apart from each piece, low chain-linked fence, or a natural tree fence.  Well, the most obvious decision for us was the natural tree fence.  That way we can get the privacy we want without break town rules.  We've been slowly putting them in over the past 2 years and I think we're finally done.  Well, the back border we may want to put in another row in between the existing ones to make it kind of look like a wall.

Border by one neighbors (my little man in the picture)

Back border along the street

Border along the other neighbors side

Now all I have to do is move those rocks that are pictured above and plant grass seed.  Then the yard should be almost done.