I started!

This morning I went in for my baselines.  I didn't have to do blwk since my u/s turned out great.  So, after the baseline appt I got the go ahead to inject today.  Since I didn't have any medication I got some from my RE's office.  It wasn't as bad as I thought, but I must have hit a blood vessel because I was bleeding pretty good for a few seconds.  I go back in Thursday morning for my first monitoring appt on the Follistim and hope I'm on a good track. 

Now time for dinner and a hair appt.  Have a good night!

Finally!!!!

I finally heard back from my RE's office today.  This morning my nurse called my to let me know they're still waiting but wanted me to talk to my coordinator.  I spoke with her and finally got at least some information.  I found out that my endometrial and cervical biopsies came back normal, but one of my pathologies came back abnormal.  I had some chronic rare cells.  My RE wants to make sure this won't hinder the Follistim use.  At least it was nothing serious...Now why couldn't I get that answer 2 weeks ago!  To my surprise I got a call back early afternoon.  The number of the rare cells that I had were only at five and the pathologist said that should not hinder anything.  I am finally able to move forward.  So tomorrow morning I go in for my baseline u/s and blwk.  If all goes well, I start the Follistim tomorrow night.  Thursday I go back in for my first monitoring appt on the Follistim.

It feels sooooo good to finally move forward again. 

Another BFN!

Friday morning I woke up to a lovely surprise....AF!  And 3 days early too!  I'm not too fond of early visitors, I'm never ready.  On top of that, I never heard back from my RE or my nurse.  I'm majorly pissed!  I called Friday, again, just to let them know I started my cycle and to call me at work if my biopsy results were in.  NO CALL ALL DAY.  I would really like to move on....Really!!!  I'm very upset over this.  I do not know how this could take almost a month and why does my RE need to speak with the pathologist.  Is there something wrong?  Was the antibiotic that I was on not effective?  Is there something else going on?  I just want answers.  Four break cycles is enough already.  If my biopsy is normal, then I would like to start my new treatment.  If it is not normal, then I would like to start my next course of antibiotics ASAP.  I hate prolonging anything!  Well, my new goal is to have a 2012 baby and to become pregnant in 2011.  I really do need to chill out a bit.  I'm getting too stressed out, over emotional, and super hormonal that it is hindering me and my overall well being.

Nerves!

So I made my follow up call to my RE's office like I had planned.  I left a message for my nurse asking about my results and my meds/if they were sent to my pharmacy.  Around 11ish I received my return phone call from my nurse explaining that my doctor needs to talk to the pathologist.  GREAT!!!  She continued stating she doesn't think that it is bad news, but doctor has my chart on his desk and his door was closed.  To me, that just tells me that something is wrong.  I am so on edge right now it's ridiculous.  This could be why my pharmacy wasn't called or had anything faxed.  Or it could be that my course of treatment is again changed.  I just wish I had some sort of answer.  This wait is killing me and starting to scare me a bit as well as stressing me out.  Not only for my results, but to get my medication in time to start treatment. 

Becoming a Mother (Found on The Bump)

I had copied this poem from the IF board on thebump.com  It is a beautiful poem and really touches my heart.  Please enjoy.

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that ...I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which

I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face,

yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother...

-Unknown.

Hit with a Bomb Today

So today I saw my dad and the first thing out of his mouth was "Guess what...Your sister is pregnant".  I immediately started bawling my eyes out.  Dad saw my reaction and said "what are you not happy for her?"  Well that is when the tears turned into a uncontrollable waterfall.  Inbetween my heaving sobs, I told my dad "I am happy for her, I just feel that the way I was told was insensitive to what I am going through."  He let me cry a little and then the conversation continued.  I really wish it would have stopped there.  He asked me what am I doing to help my situation.  I was about to answer him and he decided to butt in.  Are you still taking your medicine, because so and so's wife had the same condition and she stopped.  She then got pregnant.  I started to cry again.  I pretty much yelled, I am experiencing infertility.  My problem is not my one medication that I take to pretty much save my life.  He asked me what my doctors are doing.  I told him I will starting injections soon and if they don't work I will have to move onto IVF.  Then I stated which will not happen because I cannot afford it. 

My mental state was good up until this morning.  I felt that I was progressing with everything and I was on a good track.  Now I just feel depressed, I hate my body, and confused as to how people get pregnant so quickly.  I am starting to lose hope again and I'm now back to where I was a couple weeks ago.  I didn't react this bad when friends and co-workers who were good friends became pregnant.  It seemed to hurt more that it was family and my younger sister who just got married.  I guess it really hurt that she didn't tell me herself.  Maybe she felt she couldn't because we have not spoken in over a year.  I just feel like crawling back into bed, but what good is that going to do.  Too many thoughts and emotions to process today. 

Disappointment

I can't help but say that I am a little disappointed with my RE's office.  I had my biopsy done last Wednesday and was told the results would be back rather quickly.  Well, I tend to not hold my breath with that promise.  Working in a physician's office myself and waiting on labs for my surgeries, I normally expect the labs to take a few days to a week.  I wasn't concerned when I didn't hear anything last Friday...I also wasn't concerned when I didn't hear anything on Monday.  But it has now been over a week and I have not heard from my nurse.  Maybe there's nothing going on?!  However, if I still have residual inflammation/infection I want to start treatment sooner rather than later. 

Also....one of the coordinators who I had met with prior to leaving my office visit last Wednesday gave me a task to check my pharmacy for my injectables.  My prescription plan changed and they thought I was out of pocket.  I told her I would check right away and call the office by Friday.  Then she hits me with a bomb that the day I saw her was her last day and she is leaving the practice.  I was a bit upset since I mainly worked with her and she was always right on track of my chart and I felt that she "knew"me.  I have worked with the other coordinator a couple of times and I like her, but she just doesn't know me.  Anyways, to break away from my rambling, I called the office last Friday and explained the my fertility drugs come from the same pharmacy that I had used before and they can fax my scripts to them or call with concerns.  Well it has been over 1 week and I haven't heard from my pharmacy.  Last time I heard within a couple of days.  So this is starting to make me think that I still have the inflammation.  Ughh!!!  I'm getting very frustrated right now and stressed out.  Because if I need the Follistim I will be needing it soon.  Like a week and a half soon.  It doesn't take long for delivery, but I'm just concerned that they don't have it in stock and other factors. 

I guess I will give my RE's office until noon on Monday and I will give them a follow up call.  I just want to make sure I don't need an antibiotic and/or to make sure my pharmacy was contacted.

Thanks for letting me vent and if you made it to the end, sorry for the rambling