Hit with a Bomb Today

So today I saw my dad and the first thing out of his mouth was "Guess what...Your sister is pregnant".  I immediately started bawling my eyes out.  Dad saw my reaction and said "what are you not happy for her?"  Well that is when the tears turned into a uncontrollable waterfall.  Inbetween my heaving sobs, I told my dad "I am happy for her, I just feel that the way I was told was insensitive to what I am going through."  He let me cry a little and then the conversation continued.  I really wish it would have stopped there.  He asked me what am I doing to help my situation.  I was about to answer him and he decided to butt in.  Are you still taking your medicine, because so and so's wife had the same condition and she stopped.  She then got pregnant.  I started to cry again.  I pretty much yelled, I am experiencing infertility.  My problem is not my one medication that I take to pretty much save my life.  He asked me what my doctors are doing.  I told him I will starting injections soon and if they don't work I will have to move onto IVF.  Then I stated which will not happen because I cannot afford it. 

My mental state was good up until this morning.  I felt that I was progressing with everything and I was on a good track.  Now I just feel depressed, I hate my body, and confused as to how people get pregnant so quickly.  I am starting to lose hope again and I'm now back to where I was a couple weeks ago.  I didn't react this bad when friends and co-workers who were good friends became pregnant.  It seemed to hurt more that it was family and my younger sister who just got married.  I guess it really hurt that she didn't tell me herself.  Maybe she felt she couldn't because we have not spoken in over a year.  I just feel like crawling back into bed, but what good is that going to do.  Too many thoughts and emotions to process today. 

Disappointment

I can't help but say that I am a little disappointed with my RE's office.  I had my biopsy done last Wednesday and was told the results would be back rather quickly.  Well, I tend to not hold my breath with that promise.  Working in a physician's office myself and waiting on labs for my surgeries, I normally expect the labs to take a few days to a week.  I wasn't concerned when I didn't hear anything last Friday...I also wasn't concerned when I didn't hear anything on Monday.  But it has now been over a week and I have not heard from my nurse.  Maybe there's nothing going on?!  However, if I still have residual inflammation/infection I want to start treatment sooner rather than later. 

Also....one of the coordinators who I had met with prior to leaving my office visit last Wednesday gave me a task to check my pharmacy for my injectables.  My prescription plan changed and they thought I was out of pocket.  I told her I would check right away and call the office by Friday.  Then she hits me with a bomb that the day I saw her was her last day and she is leaving the practice.  I was a bit upset since I mainly worked with her and she was always right on track of my chart and I felt that she "knew"me.  I have worked with the other coordinator a couple of times and I like her, but she just doesn't know me.  Anyways, to break away from my rambling, I called the office last Friday and explained the my fertility drugs come from the same pharmacy that I had used before and they can fax my scripts to them or call with concerns.  Well it has been over 1 week and I haven't heard from my pharmacy.  Last time I heard within a couple of days.  So this is starting to make me think that I still have the inflammation.  Ughh!!!  I'm getting very frustrated right now and stressed out.  Because if I need the Follistim I will be needing it soon.  Like a week and a half soon.  It doesn't take long for delivery, but I'm just concerned that they don't have it in stock and other factors. 

I guess I will give my RE's office until noon on Monday and I will give them a follow up call.  I just want to make sure I don't need an antibiotic and/or to make sure my pharmacy was contacted.

Thanks for letting me vent and if you made it to the end, sorry for the rambling

RE Visit

Today I finally got to see my RE.  I haven't seen him since January when I had my surgery.  Today my visit started with an endometrial biopy.  Let me tell you...that was not pleasant at all!  It was worse than the HSG.  It was 40 seconds of pure pain, cramps, and I shed a tear or two.  Needless to say, the Advil didn't work as expected.  So here is my new gameplan with my RE.  I will sit this cycle out.  My RE or my nurse will call me this Friday or Monday with my biopsy results.  If I happen to have some residual infection/inflammation going on, I will be back on an antibiotic and have another repeat biopsy...Let's hope it's all clear, I do not want to go through that again!  If I get the all clear, I start Follistim next cycle on CD 5-10 at 75 units.  I will continue with the HCG once I'm ready to ovulate and finish with the progesterone suppositories again.  The only downside to the Follistim is that I have to run to the RE office for an average of 2-4 monitoring appointments, but I have to do it so I don't run into any complications.  Thank goodness for sick and vacation time.  Once I go in for my final monitoring appointment, I will also do 1 post-coital test to see if the spermies are swimming without any problems.  My RE gave me 3-4 cycles on Follistim.  If there is no success, I will have the option of continuing with 1 or 2 more cycles of Follistim with a very low chance of anything happening OR I move onto IVF.  That is going to be a long conversation between me and Jim as well as my RE.  Hopefully it won't come down to that and my RE feels the same way.  He feels that I will benefit from the Follistim better than the Clomid. 

After my appointment today, I felt very hopeful and positive which has been a huge change in my attitude.  It also helped that I had a nice conversation with one of my co-workers on Monday.  Although are paths were different, our stories were oh so similar.  It was really nice to know someone who has been down the same road of disappointments, frustrations, and failed cycles of Clomid.  She now has two gorgeous newborn babies.  Thanks to her, she gave me back my positive thinking and gave me that spark of hope that I had lost a few months ago. 

At this time, I'm putting IVF in the back of my mind.  I'm not touching that with a 10 foot pole at this time.  I believe my time will come and my journey could be happening for a reason.  I know it is helping my with my tolerance, patience, and overall well-being both mentally and physically.  And I know because of my journey, I will be the best mother I can and want to be.

Now I'm off to another appointment.  Thanks for reading and enjoy the rest of the day!

BFN!

Last night I knew AF was on its way.  Lo and behold guess who shows it's itself with full force?!  That's right!!  My bff AF.  Last month I did okay, but now I'm just getting angry.  I'm getting to the point of thinking that being pregnant and raising a child is not in my future.  I really can't take this anymore.  I really hope my RE has a new plan so I can get moving with this.  My 2011 baby is now gone but I'm trying to be hopeful for an early 2012 baby.  I guess this is good in a way (I'm trying to find a positive with this).  I have a little more time to get my weight down before a pregnancy AND before I start any fertility meds again. 

Time to get ready for work and push through the day without thinking about this.  It will be difficult though since I have to call my nurse and deal with AF all day.

Rock N Roll on Saturday Night

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y! HEY!!  Last night was an awesome night.  I totally needed a night out like that.  Jim, some friends, and I went to Crocodile Rock and enjoyed 4 bands: Oceans Divide, Kopek, Egypt Central, and Cold.  I must say, that I was not a huge fan of this kind of music I'm more of a pop and pop/rock princess.  Thanks to my husband, I'm now enjoying it more especially Egypt Central.  I thought they were to hard rock for my taste until I saw them in concert.  Let me tell you...They put on a great show!! 

I also recommend checking out the two upcoming bands Oceans Divide and Kopek.  Kopek has a very unique sound that is really worth checking out.  In my opinion, their songs and sound keeps you wanting more.  Oceans Divide also has a great sound and puts on a great show. 

These bands are touring with Cold.  If they're in your area, you should definately check them out.

I have some new bands to add to my iPod....so excited

Weighing In....

I have been doing alot of thinking, and I feel that I need to vamp up my exercise regimen OR change my eating habits.  Well, I think it is more my eating habits than anything.  I think I need to store some healthy snacks in my desk instead of crap.  It would be so much better if it were warmer out.  I can at least go for a walk on my lunch breaks.  I need to get my butt in gear and work harder at this.  If only I could give up food for lent....

On a side note from my fatness.  This month is going too slow.  I wish March 30 would get here already so I can follow up with my RE.  I'm getting anxious here.  My nurse wants me to call her if AF doesn't show.  But like always, I'm sure the bitch will show herself.  So in the meantime I guess I'll call my insurance company to check on my injectable coverage.

Hope everyone had a great day!

Gotta Love It....(I guess)

My grandmother is relentless!!!!  I was talking to my dad yesterday and he told me a pretty funny story about a phone call my gram received.  Apparently my gram got a call from a physician's office that Jim has a medical condition and a reminder to take his medication.  So my gram is freaking out about why she got a call about my husband, if he's ok, how bad is this particular problem, etc.  Here is problem #1: The doctors office that called apparently does not know too much about HIPPA and the phone.  I never leave any medical information on a persons answering machine (only if the person consents to it and their machine/voicemail confirms it is them).  Problem #2:  My husband and his grandfather have the same name.  His grandfather and my grandmother's phone numbers are similiar but in my opinion not that similiar to mess up....But hey that is just me.  Problem 2 is the reasoning why you don't leave any type of medical information on someone's answering machine....you never know if you have the wrong number.  Anyways, I definately know it was not my Jim because he has not been to our PCP in about 2 years and has not had any labs done.  I have to make him go to the doctor and make the appointments as well. 

Anyways....Here is why my grandmother is relentless.  I called her yesterday to just hear what the message said and to give her peace of mind.  Well she started with the baby stuff again.  Here's the conversation:  "Hi Gram, it's Amy".  Gram: "How are you?  What's new?"  Me: "Nothing's new.  I was just with Dad".  Gram:  "What do you mean nothing's new?"  Me:  "It's exactly what I mean.  Nothing's new."  Gram:  (disappointed  voice) "Oh you sounded happy and you called me so I thought you had good news".  She never gives up!  She complains if I don't call her often, she thinks I have "good" news if I call her.  At least I didn't get the I want another great-grandchild before I die speach.